we could be best friends . that’s the weirdest thing . 

Thoughts . 

There it is again, that lump in your throat that feels like you need to regurgitate a golf ball. That painful lump that either results in two things: being released or to be swallowed down again like it shouldn’t exist. Option numero dos is what I have brought myself to do again in order to be strong so people around me don’t have to worry. I’ll say i’m fine when all i want to do is scream, i’ll smile and say “i’m happy, dont worry” and i’ll turn away and hide away to myself to sulk in my unending misery. No, i’m not happy. Even if I try to be, it feels like nothing I do or say will work. No amount of “just trust me,” or “please don’t get mad,” or basically anything will ever work for him. Yes, I’m sadly talking about a boy. And no, this isn’t just some ordinary boy. This is THE boy. THE boy I’ve fallen so madly in love with, THE boy I’ve given up my heart to. Yes, this is that boy. Everyone around me knows this boy. But not the way I know him, they don’t know him by his name, I mean they do but also along the lines of “oh, the psycho guy..” or “oh yeah, the paranoid over protective guy” or “is he still a jerk?” . There is literally never a day where I dont hear the boy i love being insulted. And here I am trying to defend him by saying “no, hes not like that,” or “hes different” or “i love him dont worry about it,” nothing I say is enough to convince others that he’s wonderful despite how he treats me .. 
How he treats me you ask? I won’t get into but lets just say that it causes me a lot of pain. No, not physically , i mean the boy lives miles away from me.. just.. emotional pain . I feel like i’m not enough .. or not good enough to impress him or to make him feel like a king. No amount of effort or strength I put into this, all i do is fuck up. Am i the reason for my own pain? For his? Have I really given myself up to this boy way too much that its now beyond my control? How many prayers can I make , how many wishes can I make just to have this relationship work? Maybe perhaps its a sign that we shouldnt be together.. but how can that be when he is everything? He is the oxygen in my veins that feed my heart and my lungs. He is my sight because all I see is him. He is my heart, my soul, my everything. I would give the world to him if I could. I would travel so far just to be with him. He brings happiness with him whenever i see his face again. But with all this.. why am i so unhappy? I’ve been thrown one answer lately and that is to leave.. but leaving him would mean leaving myself? and I dont know where i would leave myself if i left him. 
I wish i was good enough to make him happy. So that i wouldnt feel this way, so i wouldnt hurt him . Why doesnt he trust me? When all i do with my time is work, sleep, eat and occasionally see my friends. I mean, i am a social human being right? I need that social activity with girl friends just to be sane. But what am I doing wrong? Maybe if i knew i wouldn’t feel this way. Maybe i wouldnt have to shove down another golf ball of pain down my throat. Maybe if i figured out what was wrong with me , maybe i’d finally be okay… 

In the end it’s always me who suffers. 

I needed you and you turned away from me. 

It’s like it’s always okay for you to break my heart 

I know this is bad  

But I love coming home from work late because I never know who i’ll encounter on my way home. I hope that one day a stranger would kill me . So I won’t have to do it myself .

I want to write another book. I just don’t know about what yet. 

I can see it. 

Do you really think I can’t see it? I can see through you like glass and I know you’re hurting. I just wish you’d talk to me, because the signs I’m seeing are building thoughts into my head that I don’t want. And one thing leads to another and then its too late. Some people can’t see it and believe it when you say “I’m fine” but the truth is you aren’t.

love .  

i never wanted to hurt you . but i’m hurting myself just as much . i’ve been so faithful to you, and i gave up everything just to be with you . but i need to love myself . all you do is bring me down and constantly abuse me . i’m done . i love you , but you don’t love me . 

another attempt with no success 

I’ll try again another day . One day there will be no turning back . I’d seriously rather be dead .

the joke is on me .  

I just tried killing myself again 

And it obviously didn’t work . If God wants me to fucking stay here he needs to give me something worth waiting for . Otherwise I’m gonna keep trying until it fucking works .

“we’re just two individuals trying to make this work” 

Sick 

I’m sick of indecent people who don’t realize how bad their actions can affect the only good people left in the world . you know why that kind, sweet girl is now a total tramp and a bitch? because she’s been hurt by some cruel person who did nothing but leave her when she needed someone the most . now look , we’re just creating a bigger world full of selfish, cruel people . why can’t people just love each other .